Abraham Lincoln…. Vampire Hunter?

Movie poster for Lincoln Vampire Slayer

Yesterday I discovered possibly the worse book/movie plot ever; it irritated and offended me on so many levels I’m having a hard time writing this because I’m so annoyed. If you plan on seeing or reading Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, please skip this post. If just the title made you suck you teeth, read on.

     The plot, in short: As a child Abraham Lincoln finds out that not only are vampires real, but that his grandfather and mother were killed by them. He vows to wipe out vampires, and forms an alliance with a good vampire that teaches him how to kill bad ones. For years Lincoln goes around killing vampires one-by-one. Then one day while in the South he sees a slave auction and follows the slave master home. GASP! The master is a vampire and the slaves were bought as food! The only logical next step? Lincoln becomes an abolitionist in hopes of cutting off the food supply of the vampires. He begins a political career by day, and kills vampires at night. A conspiracy ensues where Lincoln uses his powers to end the vampire population’s growth and power by ending slavery–and starting a Civil War….

Yes, that is just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. This movie opens in theaters this summer.

My issues with this “story”: Do you realize most kids don’t know much about actual real, important historical facts? This week, I promise you a kid argued with me (a history teacher) that there is a woman depicted on Mount Rushmore. He was dead-serious about it too.

Many children confuse things they see in movies and on TV with reality. If you think I’m playing, ask some random kid elementary you know some a basic American History question that they should be able to answer. Ask a high school kid who is running for President. You’d be shocked at some of the answers. No wonder I have kids still arguing with me that Obama wasn’t born in America. There is a whole generation that accepts just about anything as fact without question. I promise you one kid is going to walk out of that theater after seeing this film with all kind of weird ideas.

In line with that, my second issue: I don’t appreciate, as an woman of African descent, having the plight of my ancestors boiled down to being a food source for fantasy creatures. This story explains the reason cultures, families, a continent, and parts of history were raped and destroyed was because vampires like dark meat. Seriously, seriously, seriously offensive.

I teach World History and there is literally one page, ONE PAGE, in the textbook about the transatlantic slave trade. When I taught US History, I think it was like 4 pages. Really? Hundreds of years of history that affected the history, culture, and society of the human race and it’s only important enough for 4 pages?

I already have a horrendous time teaching this precious section of history. Kids come to me with so many misconceptions and lack of knowledge on the subject already. Making slavery the twist in this stupid story will only belittle it’s significance even more.

I have no idea who this author is, but how dare he warp history in this way to make a few bucks.

The only thing the story did get right is that Abraham’s abolish tendency had more to do with his personal agenda than a moral code. Thank goodness that got one thing right.