“I don’t think you’re ready to have a kid.” Those are the words that are echoing through my soul right now.
Recently it was my three year anniversary and also my birthday (one day apart). It’s a time to reflect. Where is my life? Where is it going? I’m just starting to acknowledge how much my OCD, solely acceptable unquestioned beliefs, and scariness of what I could have been, has crippled me.
If things aren’t just so, the way I feel that they must be, I won’t accept it. My desk at work most be clear and orderly for me to think. If I haven’t prepared my outfits for the work week by Sunday I’m just a bit off.
Link that to my views of motherhood: I’ve always thought that if I couldn’t be a stay at home mom, then I just wouldn’t be a mom. I told myself I’d be OK with that; things are my way or the highway, right?
I’m 31 and I find myself standing in the road to life watching everyone zoom by me: sisters, nieces, students, members of where I worship, mommy bloggers. It hurts and I’m not going a damn place.
So I bend, I flex. Even simply telling my husband that what I wanted was a child was huge. Heck, posting it here on my blog is huge. This is part of my therapy. It’s tough to trust people to understand me, get me, and not judge me.
So I told my husband. His reaction? “I don’t think you’re ready to have a kid.” He says I need to learn to rely on God when things aren’t ‘just so’. Even if I could afford to stay at home he asked me “What if the kid has a serious birth defect–are you going to fall apart on me?”
What a jealous, loaded question.
I feel as if I will never be ready. Is anyone really? Is it a lack of faith he is pointing out, or that need in my DNA to have things the way I think they should be? Can either be fixed? I believe all is possible. But without support, I feel as if I’ll never be a good mother…. Maybe never a mother at all…
(Last Diary Post: Sleepless...)